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"Hang on, let me pause it"

The Bravo Breakdown

"Just because I'm friendly, it doesn't mean I'm your friend"
The Real Author of DVR Slave

Thanks to Heather Dubrow for her body, thanks to my parents for my face

I swear I'll get back to this page the meantime I'm loving Vanderpump so far & cannot wait for RHOBH!  I enjoyed the first season of Unanchored and this past season of Below Deck was definitely a good one but aren't they all?  I do want to take a moment to acknowledge Dirty John as I've seen a lot of people talking about it & how annoying Debra is so if you haven't already done so you must listen to the podcast.  Connie Britton is playing her very well...all of the women in that family are a mess & it comes from Debra's mom...there's more about her & the son-in-law that killed her other daughter in the podcast & it is so very telling of why Debra is the way she is!  

Big congrats to Andy on his announcement that he's having a son soon!

I can't believe I haven't posted on this page in 4 months! So now that Southern Charm is back we all know that Relationshep didn't work out well for Shep...or any of the other couples on the show for that matter!!  This past week the new show Sell it Like Serhant premiered and I really liked it, it has a Tabatha vibe but different as Ryan is helping people learn to sell.  Imposters also returned a couple of weeks ago as did a new show called Your Husband is Cheating On Us plus a new season of The Real Housewives of Potomac.  Starting tonight we have the premiere of Southern Charm New Orleans and then on May 15th it's a new season of Below Deck Med.


There's some new shows coming up on Bravo & they start with my guiltiest pleasure Vanderpump Rules tomorrow at 9:00 followed by the brand new Relationshep with Shep from Southern Charm!  Later this week on 12/5 it's Stripped and on 12/7 it's a new season of Top Chef and then later this month on 12/19 RHOBH is back for another season.

So I recently learned that Heather Dubrow is leaving RHOC & I am so sad...she's my favorite housewife & now I'm going to have to borrow another housewife's body for my pic.  Lydia McLaughlin will be returning to RHOC as well and I don't have anything against her but she is on the boring side so we'll see how the next season is.  Meghan King Edmonds is also leaving & while she wasn't my favorite she did always call people out on their shit & I liked her approach to things.  Personally I think they need to get rid of Vicki & I wouldn't hate to see Tamra go either so keep Shannon & then replace the rest because Kelly is returning for the next season & she's obnoxious!

Oh and hey...I really enjoyed Timber Creek Lodge, did you watch?  I thought it was going to suck because I didn't care for Apres Ski & this was more like Below Deck in a lodge.  I also checked out Imposters and so far it seems like it could be good but we'll see, I'll get back to ya after 3 episodes.

First and foremost I have to send my deepest condolences to the friends & family of Daisy Lewellyn of 'Blood, Sweat & Heels' who sadly passed away on Friday at the age of 36.    

So, Bravo is booming with new seasons & shows that just got underway with more to come so let's dig deeper.  Last week, new seasons of Southern Charm & RHONY kicked off & tonight we get a new season of Shahs of Sunset!!  Tomorrow (4/11) it's the premiere of The Real Housewives of Dallas, then next up on 4/17 it's a new season of Thicker than Water, on 4/20 it's There Goes the Motherhood (I'll pass) and then on 4/21 it's Million Dollar Listing NY.  On 5/3 it's the premiere of Below Deck Mediterranean, on 5/10 it's the "premiere" of Tour Group...we know it isn't really the premiere because we got 2 episodes & then it halted.  Anyway, this summer we have the return of RHONJ.

I am aware I haven't been over here in forever but I haven't had much to say until now.  1. Real Housewives of Potomac premiered & I'm not feeling these ladies...all of the bullshit etiquette/proper judgment...aint nobody got time for that!  That Karen broad is as obnoxious as they come & I'm pretty sure she's the reason I will likely drop this show.  I try to give new shows 3 episodes but I don't know if I'll make it that far with this one. ** 2/23 update...I turned this off halfway through the 2nd episode & never looked back.

2. There's a new season of Newlyweds on & I can't stand Erica & Adonis...the way she talks is like nails on a chalkboard, every time they appear on my screen I mute it. He's a pig & she's a fool for marrying him.  Tara is annoying as well with her anxiety & sorry but if I were Rob I'd have gone on the trip by myself!  Why doesn't she have Xanax...screw the herbal crap when she is that paralyzed by anxiety OTC won't work. **2/23 update...I still can't stand Erica & Adonis and with each episode I like Rob & Tara less and less.

3. I have a rant about the new season of Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce, here is is!
Girlfriend’s Guide just keeps getting more & more disappointing & it really makes a mockery of women.  My coworker & I were just discussing it & we both really wish that the show would focus a little more on the women & less on their vaginas.  I’m a woman & I am certain that my world doesn’t revolve around trying to get with men, nor do the worlds of the other women in my life.  Yes even those of us who are single have the capability to plan things without thinking about dick!

I used to really like Delia but now she’s just as bad as Phoebe…she finds a prettyy great guy who she falls for hard enough that she agrees to dump her “I’m never getting married plans” & then she starts banging her boss while planning her wedding?  Why not multi-task & do the cake tasting while going at it?  And the dress they had her in…are you kidding me?  That dress is SO not her style not to mention very age inappropriate & I’m guessing it must be men writing this because…it takes at least 6 months to get a wedding dress & that doesn’t include tailoring. 

Here’s a good question, why does Phoebe have kids?  They serve no purpose, they are rarely on the show let alone even mentioned.  Do the writers think it isn’t OK for a divorced woman in her 40’s to not have children?  Here she is dressed like a hooker to go to school & try to pick-up the teacher of her women’s studies class (great role model) when she should probably be spending time with her children who clearly never see her.  Maybe if her sole focus weren’t finding a man she could find herself as the single mother she is & maybe even enjoy it. **2/23 update...once her teacher turned out to be gay & she picked up someone else at the art show & then someone else again she just stopped going to school!!!

I really don’t know if I can handle Abby anymore…she’s really annoying, she can’t get a grip & she’s coddling that son of hers right into lifelong therapy & all the while, hunting for dick…get your priorities straight sister.  That scene with her & the Dr. banging in the airplane bathroom…couldn’t happen in this day & age unless you wanted to get arrested.  Like nobody would notice the door banging?  Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a good drama; even the unrealistic ones can hold my attention without causing me to yell “as if” at the TV but this show…this show is just becoming a disappointment.  Honestly, I’ll keep watching it but I just need it to be less focused on getting laid & more focused on the other facets of their lives, with a little sex still added in.  Even Sex & the City wasn’t this focused on sex & sex was in the damn title!

All of these women…every single one of them…even Jo who is most realistic, couldn’t possibly be happily single?  WTF?  They need to stop trying to fix their lives with men & learn to fix it themselves.  The writers need to focus less on sex & more on the characters & issues they could face in “real life” instead of who is going to fill them up in each episode.  The saving grace & my fave character of this season is none other than Barbara, played by Retta…she’s the most “real” of all of them.
I miss Lyla & after the preview for next week I feel like the writers are going to play us for fools & make it seem as though Jo was in Vegas with them for the first round with Mr. Gigolo rather than Lyla.  
**2/23 update...suddenly, at the end of the 2nd season Abby has a dog, a large old golden retriever that has NEVER been seen or mentioned...EVER. Enough with the effing inconsistencies writers, we aren't stupid & we'd appreciate not being treated as such. 

So tonight is already the season finale of Ladies of London...sorry Bravo but what's even the point? This isn't London & we don't do 6 episode seasons here, we do at least 9...especially when they only come every 1.5 years, I mean, come on!!  Also on tonight is part 2 of the RHOC reunion & I am dying to see what Briana has to say about everything going on with her mom because you KNOW that Vicki found out (at some point) that Brooks didn't have cancer & that's ultimately what ended their relationship.  I think 1 of 2 things will happen...Vicki will not come back next year to avoid repercussions OR she will come back & play the "he duped me" card to get sympathy from everyone.

Vanderpump Rules is back Monday, 11/2 & I can't wait to see what kind of drama & trash is in store for this season.  I think Jax gets arrested again (snooze), I pray that Kristen (who recently fractured her face) is nowhere to be seen & that if Stassi is on, someone knocks her down a peg or two.

There's a new show called Apres Ski also coming 11/2 which I have no plans of watching...I hate snow & narcissistic people on power trips & that's all I've seen in the previews.

Coming up November 8th is the return of RHOA which you all know I said I would no longer watch after last season & that hasn't changed...not even Kim Fields could get me to come back to that shit show.    

Tomorrow night some of the early ladies from RHOC are going to be on WWHL...Jeana, Lauri & one of my faves, Lynne.  The Fellas from Million Dollar Listing LA are going to be on The Real this Tuesday!

Hey you guys...where have I been?  I have to say that over summer I wasn't really watching all that much Bravo aside from Housewives but now I'm super duper excited that The People's Couch is coming back in a few weeks (October 6th to be exact) & Ladies of London is back now!!  RHONJ is back October 11th and then on November 2nd the drama that is Vanderpump Rules is back too.


I haven't been here in so long & I'm so sorry!  It's a busy week for Bravo & I'm excited for most of it.  First up, tonight it's the new season of Married to Medicine.  Tomorrow (6/8) at 9:00 it's the season premiere of RHOC followed by the series premiere of Odd Mom Out and I'm looking forward to everything but Married to Medicine.  I also checked out the preview of Mother Funders & I cannot watch that show...those women are a nightmare & it's not for me at all.

So...for starters, here's my review of the season finale of Girlfriends' Guide.  Next I have a complaint about stupid Bravo Now...I'm using it online because of course the app isn't available on Android (thanks) and I'm trying to listen to a marathon of Southern Charm season 1 but at the end of every episode I have to sign in again to view the next one! So far this week I have signed in to Bravo Now 12 times...12 effing times in 4 days.  Seriously...if I was signed in 40 minutes ago & never left the site then why do I need to sign in again?  That would be like having to sign in to Netflix before each episode of OITNB!  This is literally starting to enrage me with every sign in.  Please Bravo, please fix this issue before I go all Lisa Rinna on someone, thanks!

OMG you happened, today I finally met the one & only Andy Cohen!  OK so let's back up a birthday is in a few days so my friends & I had tickets to see Joan Rivers last night & I was so excited to finally get to scratch something off of my bucket list and then we lost her & I was devastated!  A week or so later we got word that Chrissie Hynde was going to be at The Jack White Theater the same night & killer seats were the same, we bought those tickets.  

So, this past Friday afternoon I get an email from my mom telling me that Andy was going to be doing a reading & book signing at a Jewish book fair like 20 minutes from my house today.  Oddly enough, partying with Andy is also on my bucket list & while I didn't see that happening at a book signing I couldn't pass up the chance to finally just meet him.  The signing was at 2:00 & while I was a bit hungover & didn't wake up until 11 I was able to leave the house without any concerns except for time.  I knew he was doing a reading & the signing & when I was leaving my friend's house this morning afternoon it was 1:15 and I of course wanted to be out of there by 12:15 because I had to swing by home & drop my dog off.  

I got home, ran Fiona upstairs, changed & got right back in the car & it was 1:55 so I knew I would miss the reading but was only 20 minutes away.  I grabbed party supplies just in case (I'd hate to not be prepared if the opportunity arose) and ran out the door.  I arrived at the community center at 2:20 & when I walked in it was pretty much empty so I asked for help & was sent to a box office where I was asked if I had/needed a ticket & I said "kind of pointless now isn't it" because no I didn't have a ticket (the website said nothing about tickets) and he would be done in 10 minutes. So I bought a copy of his new book The Andy Cohen Diaries, perused the other books & noticed some folks getting in line for the signing so I jumped in line as well.

There were about 10 people in front of me & then suddenly Andy was sitting at the desk for the signing & people were pouring out of the room he was talking in & getting in line behind me.  A woman with sticky notes came out & told us that there wouldn't be time to ask him questions or take photos so pick the page you want signed & she's going to come write your name on a sticky & put it on that page.  I instantly got my phone out & started taking a ton of crappy blurry pictures from over my head (I'm 5 feet tall & can't see shit...ever) until the woman arrived with the sticky that she wrote Kelly on & stuck to the page I wanted signed.  The line was moving very quickly & suddenly this couple just cut in front of me but I didn't want to be an asshole in front of Andy & start yelling "hey, the line ends way back there" so I just kept my mouth shut.  The male in the couple didn't have a sticky so Andy asked what his name was & then he started telling Andy that he knew someone he knows, etc. & the woman assisting the process took my book & handed it to Andy.  Then Andy looked at the female of the couple who cut in front of me & said "Hi Kelly" and I said loudly "I'm Kelly" with a very matter of fact tone and just gave the couple a dirty look because they were still standing there taking up my 2 seconds of Andy time (they were totally the Jackhole of my day).  Andy then looked at me & said "Oh hi" and I smiled & said "hi, thank you" as he handed me my book.  That was it...I didn't say "hi Andy", I didn't say "I think you are amazing" I didn't say "hi sweetie" I didn't say "my dog Fiona & I watch you & Wacha every night" I didn't say a damn thing...not one damn thing!  I was practicing the 500 different things I was going to say to him on the way over & all I actually said was "I'm Kelly".  Unfortunately I always do this when I meet someone famous...I think I'm terrified I'll say something I'll regret like I do in my day to day life. I suppose I can half cross partying with him off of my bucket list (I was getting the ball rolling) & can't believe what a fun filled, star studded, weekend I had.  

Most importantly, I'm certain Andy will never forget me!  Look how tight we are in these pics!

There’s plenty of new shows coming to Bravo & they can’t come soon enough…if I have to watch one more rerun of RHONJ, Manzod or Below Deck I might lose my freaking mind.  This whole Shahs strike is ruining my fall TV lineup & why has there not been any kind of update about that?  I need my Shahs back, right away!!  As I bitched about before…most of my fave shows still haven’t had their fall return yet and when my Monday DVR lineup is ONLY Watch What Happens we have problems.  Since Bravo only has 7 shows currently on the air I’m just wondering why they didn’t have something that was already in the can to put in place of Shahs?  Do they think we just want to keep watching RHONJ over & over & over every single night?  Why not bust out some old reruns of Blow Out or something?  At least things are looking to pick up some next month & here’s what’s on deck (it’s still not enough).

11/3 – Euros of Hollywood
11/3 – Vanderpump Rules
11/9 – Fashion Queens
11/9 - RHOA
12/2 – Girlfriends’ Guide to Divorce

Now that I’ve talked about what’s coming soon we have to discuss the Bethenny thing.  So the word finally came out today that she’s coming back to RHONY as will the entire cast from last season except for Aviva.  I have to say, if Bethenny were going to appear about as much as Aviva did I’d be happy about her return but I know how Bravo works & they are going to make her the new main housewife.  Ramona will no longer be a full time housewife because she didn’t want her split with Mario to be a focus of the show so they bumped her down & now we know who will take that slot.  Back in the early days of RHONY I loved Bethenny, I identified with her so much & when I saw her meet Jason & get married I thought “OMG, there is hope for me, if she found a man I know I can because we are so similar”.  Well, cut to her & Jason married & breeding, she sells out her company for a shit ton of loot, she turns into a cold hearted domineering crazy woman who is focused too much on fame/celebrity/money & ends up divorced with a talk show.  I can safely say that she & I are nothing alike!  So Bravo brings her back hoping that she’ll save RHONY but we all know that “Bethenny” was already cancelled so clearly people aren’t that into her.  Will I still watch the show?  Yes.  Will she have a lot to prove to get me to like her again?  Yes.  Is Carole still my favorite NYC housewife?  Yes!!!  


OK...I'm running short on time but I had to take a minute to pop into the page & say that I don't like any of the new cast members for RHONJ.  Amber & Jim are like a walking parody and so are the twins.  Check out this new video from Amy Phillips impersonating the twins, it's pure genius!!

I also had to pause for recognition of the perfectly folded penis blanket on Below Deck thanks to Kate...curious how to do it yourself?  Click here for some instructions!  I really do love that show & Captain Lee...well, here's the best wisdom he's shared, enjoy.



The Bravolebrities have been awful busy lately...first up is the pending divorce of Ramona & Mario!  After more than 20 years together Mario allegedly had a girlfriend for over a year...I'm sure we'll learn more with the coming season of RHONY.  Tune in March 11th to find out I guess.

Also in the news lately, Apollo has been charged by the feds with bank fraud and I can't imagine the rift that has caused at home with one Ms. Phaedra's a good thing she knows how to embalm people because he might not make it to court!

Tonight at 10:00 it's the 10 year Queer Eye reunion...can you believe it?  10 years since that show started is just crazy to me as I remember who I used to watch it with & where my life was at the time I guess it has been that long...I miss my 20's.  Boy how things change & time flies!  Anyway, I can't wait for this special now all I need is throwback marathon of Blow Out as that was one of my favorite Bravo shows ever.  Also up tonight at 11:30 it's the season finale of The People's Couch which I have actually enjoyed.


In more wedding news, Tamra & Eddie were married last weekend on June 15th & the wedding was of course filmed for the show.  I heard from Lydia (on WWHL, not in real life) that Tamra wore 3 different dresses & the one seen below is the one she said "I do" in.  Congratulations to the happy couple!!

Continuing on in the wedding fun, I also need to say congrats to NeNe & Gregg Leakes who were married yesterday for the 2nd time.  They divorced in 2011 after 13 years of marriage and we watched the process of them getting back together unfold on Real Housewives of Atlanta & I'm so happy for them.  Photos haven't been released yet so I can't share one of NeNe's dress but I'm fairly certain that she looked AMAZING!  We will get to see all of it unfold in NeNe's spin-off "I Dream of NeNe" which doesn't yet have a premiere date but is rumored for fall.


Yesterday, in Carlsbad California, Joanna Krupa from RHOM got married to her long time boyfriend Romain Zago.  They were wed at the Park Hyatt Aviara Resort in a $1M imagine the cost had they been married on a weekend because you know they got mad discounts for getting married on a Wednesday!  I don't watch Miami Housewives because those women drive me bananas but I do watch WWHL every night & from what I could tell, this relationship was a tumultuous one so I hope they found a grounded place & will live happily ever after.  Regardless, she sure looked hot in her wedding dress!


In not so shocking news we learned today that Cordell filed for divorce from Porsha and I'm sure we can all agree that it's great news for her.  He's such a controlling douche bag she's better off without him but I'm sure she's heartbroken because without him telling her what to do all the time she must be totally lost.  Cordell says he will not be providing any spousal support & that there are no assets to be divided & that Porsha is perfectly capable of taking care of herself.  This leads me to believe that perhaps she was too pushy about working & having a baby so he walked, I can hear him saying "if you want to work then work by yourself".  Obviously she does have a picture perfect life because a picture often isn't what it's all for looks & is 1 dimensional just like her marriage.  She's really young though & comes from her own family money so I'm sure she'll land on her feet.  For the full article from Us click here.

VanderPump House Fire (July 2012)

Lisa VanderPump's (RHOBH) former mansion that she sold a few months back caught fire on Friday & 100 firefighters had to be dispatched to extinguish it, one of them was taken to the hospital for unknown injuries.  The damage was pretty severe causing areas of the roof & floor to collapse.  During the fire filming was taking place at Adrienne Maloof's home which is adjacent to the mansion & they had to evacuate though thankfully all of the damage was contained to the one property.  See the photos below.

Lisa was very sad to hear the news, sure she sold the property a while ago but her & Ken built such an amazing life for themselves & their family in that home & their daughter was married there too so it still holds a lot of memories.  She also felt terrible for the new owners having paid almost 20 Million for the home less than a year ago.  The cause of the fire hasn't yet been reported.  To see the full write up from Us Weekly click here.

Brooks Ayers Past

So, last night on 20/20 we learned all kinds of information about Brooks...Vicki's (Real Housewives of Orange County) boyfriend & I'm going to assume that right now she feels like an asshole & I can't believe that WWHL isn't no this week...this is a huge nugget of information & I know that Briana & Tamra were both saying "I told you so" & while they were probably not happy about it they were happy to be right.  Vicki has been supporting Brooks since day one & arguing his flaws to the death with the the two of them & they both just keep saying that he's an opportunist, fake, a loser & a deadbeat dad & Vicki tells them that she's happy & they are all trying to get her but here it was, on 20/20 which if you ask me means it's true!  Anyway, Brooks' ex-girlfriend Nicolette was on the news show saying that she was swindled by Brooks & that they had a child together that he had only seen at his birth.  

When they met he was a real charmer who said that he was legally separated, he gave Nicolette greeting cards every day just like he does with Vicki, he wined & dined her & gave her a promise ring & told her wanted a fresh start without children...he already had 3 kids & she had 4.  Brooks told her that he had a vasectomy so when she became pregnant she thought it hadn't worked & the child was a huge blessing & miracle for them to share when in reality he had never had one!  After she got pregnant she started noticing all kinds of strange behavior from him like mood swings & controlling behavior.  He wasn't paying bills anymore & blaming his divorce & to top it all off he was telling people he had nose cancer!  

To make a long story short, he had a photo taken with his son in the hospital after he was born & was never seen or heard from again.  His son who is now 3 doesn't have a clue who his father is & Nicolette sued him for support 2 years ago & he has paid very little of what he owes. Apparently he's been very hard to find & only has a P.O. Box for an address so now, the dipshit is on TV so I have a feeling that he's going to be much easier to track down now.  20/20 tried to catch him outside the gated community that Vicki lives in but of course they had no luck...they did however dredge up a gem of a video/radio clip from his past.  When the DJ asked him how many children he had he said "I have three from my first marriage & an extra one".  Seriously, an extra one?  I feel so bad for his poor son, when he grows up he can watch RHOC & see Vicki buy him new teeth, see him treat her the same way he treated his mom, all in all just see what a smooth talking swindling loser that his dad really is & I just hope he learns from it & doesn't repeat the past.  

You know who i don't feel sorry for though?  Vicki.  She's spent so much time telling us how independent & business minded & smart that she is & how she can read people & look what has happened?  She's been taken advantage of by a complete & total loser & I sure hope that Don gets what he wants out of the divorce before Brooks bleeds her dry!!

For a full article check out this link & for the full episode click here.